i'm so hesitant, i need to blog.

there are often times in life where you really feel you could start over. let me re-phrase; start fresh. i am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. i believe this boy walked into my life for a reason, and i cant let him walk away. in this short time we've known/gotten to know each other, i already feel something. of course though; feelings grow. i love this kid so much and i dont want things to change.

he's so much fun to be around. just talking; we laugh. we just have fun. i'm scared that things will change cause i say too much, do too much, yada yada.

he means a lot.

best feeling ever?

seeing jax walk into sacrament today.

the L word.

ya know, i have such strong feelings about this word. so strong that i feel obligated to blog about it. teenage relationships intrigue me because you dont know anything until you've been through one. yes, some people who have never gotten the opportunity feel like "they're so immature!" or "PDA is gross!" while i definitely agree with this group of individuals, ya dont know if you havent gone through it.

the L word means something people!! dont throw it out there like its valentines day and you're in kindergarten! love is such a strong feeling. have you been in love? i think you'd know if you have. however, i do find it comical the different codes about the phrase itself.

luv ya!--total seventh grade phrase. you and your friend are "IM"ing and you suddenly G2G, so this statement would be implied.

love ya:)--for the more (take that lightly) mature kids that are just trying to express how they feel without coming off too strong and stalkerish.

love you.--this is when it gets serious folks. this show serious affection. you care about this person deeply.

i. love. you. --k this is no joke. the simple letter "i" means more than anything! if someone says this to you, its a big deal. they are forever endowed to you.

haha this is my way of being comical when i'm hurting.

(:

what a good night.

gotta love sundays!

gotta grow up.

being a teen you quickly learn a couple of things. 

     1. your parents dont make your decisions.

     2. as much as they want to control you, you run your life.

     3. you decide what your future is like.

laying in bed this morning i soon realized how tired i was from preference the night before. looking out the window watching the snow fall, i wanted so badly to pull the covers over my head and just fight going to church. after thinking about it, is the fight worth it? atleast for me, after sitting at home for those three hours, you dont feel better about yourself, frankly you feel worse. so i got up. i went to church. 

my point is this. even though your parents want to run your life, they dont. even though they think they can decide who you date, who you hang out with, what you do on your friday night, they cant. they CAN decide to be a part of it, they'll regret it if they dont. for me, i just want support. i watch as friends parents lose power over their teen and it turns into a battle. 

i promise you this; if you decide to be a part of your teenagers life, they will more likely make better decisions. if you're negative towards them and dont talk to them about the necessaries, they will rebel. 

be careful.

just my luck.

well here comes a beautiful weekend!! great weather, long weekend, and of course, preference:) well because life is just that good, today i got diagnosed with pink eye! (this infection definitely doesnt call for the word diagnose. however, i cannot see at all. driving to drop my bug off at the dealership today, i nearly died. you dont realize how much you use something until its gone, or in my case, impaired. tears stream down my face, just cause my left eye thinks it can. lets hope it doesnt get worse. cam's gonna think i'm uber hot with this swollen shut eye!

the vomit feeling.

i have so much i feel that i need to write down. i feel like i could vomit emotions and its killing me.

• the grammy's
• jax
• disappointment

i learned multiple things from watching the grammys.

• justin bieber is only loved by teen girls.
• carrie underwood has dropped off the face of the earth.
• usher is as sexy as all get out!
• katy perry still rocks my socks and always will.
• miranda lamberts songs make me cry.
• me and jaden smith are getting married.
• music makes the world go round.

jax.

we have definitely grown apart since he has gone to pg and it pains me inside. he never listens to my stories anymore. i feel like he isnt even there for me anymore. people dont comprehend how close me and jax used to be. like literally we would sit and my bed and just talk about EVERYTHING. and i felt like he wanted to listen to my stories; like he cared what was going on in my life. i remember on instance we just sat and my bed and cried together cause we missed mom so much. now i cant even get some sympathy outta the kid. he appears so invested in other people, and he's not even my best friend anymore.

i'm a disappointment.

this whole situation has made me realize i will never be the ideal daughter in law. either i dont have high enough standards or i didnt score high enough on the ACT or the fact that i'm just all around not good enough. i wish she'd actually take two seconds and get to know me. ask me how much i care about their son. ask me what i look for in a future husband. ask me how much he has been there for me through the last year and a half. stop judging me based on past situations. i could make the whole situation easier on everyone; you just wont let me.

hows that for word vomit.

screw you cupid!

tomorrow is the day everyone!! 

• how are you feeling? 
• do you have a valentine? 
• are you giving or receiving a big present? 
• gonna watch chick flicks and eat ice cream till the late hours of the morning? 

after contemplating long and hard about the dreaded valentines day, i decided i hate it. its not that i hate people showing they care, or personally hate showing i care; i hate that people feel obligated to do so, and thats not okay. ONE day out the 365, husbands tell their wives they love them. they buy roses for them because they're easy to find, or her girl friends will beat his A if he doesnt do something.

i much rather have a boy waiting by my car with a rose after i get off work ;) thank you cam! 

or i want a surprise visit when i'm feeling down.

well here's your challenge. dont do it because you have to. trust me, it feels fake if you do something tomorrow. show you're lovebug you care any other day but tomorrow. just some advice! tomorrow it will mean nothing. but on a sunday night when she's crying and needs a hug, thats when you do something for her. just saying.

valentines date.

cam and i betted on the superbowl. i of course goingto for the steelers and cam going for the underdogs. well we whoever lost had to pay for a date on saturday. so booo you steelers!! not only did i have to pay for tonights dad, but for preference next week too. hahahahahaha just kidding babe! we had so much fun tonight! went bowling, beat cam like a little girl. went to farr's ice cream, got so much ice cream! went to my house and hung out. haha i love that kid. he made me the cutest cd for me! it has every type of music on it. everything from nelly to t.swift to colbie caillat. it was super cute!! i love surprises like that.

i love this boy so much. :)

unfair.

i dont care what anyone says. its not fair. when i'm down i do absolutely anything i can do bring myself more down. i know, depressing. but i dont care. i start crying and immediately i start thinking of others things that make tears flood from my eyes.

its not fair that my mom got cancer when i was 11. its not fair theat she had to have surgery and i had to "say bye" to her. its not fair that it went away and came back when i was 14. its not fair that she had a tumor in her pelvis. its not fair that she was in such excruciating pain. its not fair that my mom died when i was 15. its not fair that my dad started dating two weeks later; not only started dating but found who he was going to marry right away. its not fair that we had to act like everything was okay. its not fair that my dad got remarried when i was sixteen. its not fair that i have to live with these people. its not fair that everyday i have to wake up and just survive. its not fair that i havent had consistant friends since elementary.

but you know what. life isnt fair. i chose this. i was the one who chose to come down here and put up with trials that i know would almost kill me. i make my life hard on myself. if i would have a good attitude and just know that i will be a better person through all this, i will be okay.

i'm so lucky i grew up in a family strong in the church. i'm so lucky to have the amazing siblings i have. i'm so lucky to have a twin. i'm so lucky that my dad has an amazing job. i'm so lucky i've never had to worry about money. i'm so lucky to have had 15 years with my mom. i'm so lucky to have lucy. i'm so lucky that i found cam at the time i did. i'm so lucky i got to have braces. i'm so lucky for the life i live.

destiny.

so much has happened. but thats not the reason i'm posting. i'm definitely one to know that whenever you couldnt feel more down, someone pulls you back up. i believe 100% that everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING; from what you wear in the morning to who you associate with. my road has been rocky, and i'm not using that as an excuse of why some things have happened. some things have been my fault. sometimes i act without thinking. but some things are for certain.

cameron will stick by my side for the rest of my life. i dont care what people say. he has stuck by me even when i have betrayed him. he cares about me like no one has. he's been there when i want an icee and he's been there when we're singing 'i stand all amazed' at my moms funeral. he's been there when i need a foot massage and he's been there when i need a shoulder to cry on. i really do believe one day we will get married. i know i'll have the courage and faith to wait for him. he is my hero, honestly. i will never be more endowed to someone, ever. thanks for all you do C. you're perfect.

i have been a crappy friend to taryn and taylor and they're still there for me. ever since i met these girls they have been by my side when i needed anything. i hate that we've drifted apart. i cant thank you girls enough for all you've done. i hope i can make up the time we have lost together. you girls are so positive and always lifting me up. such a good influence. i love you.

and to everyone who has shown me they care in the last couple days. cant thank you enough. its times like this where you realize who your real friends are. i love you guys!!

keepin' my chin up. 

lots a thoughts

• maybe i just want a lot of friends.
• think about what i've done for you, not what i havent.
• we can better ourselves, we just have to try.
• life is all about growth.
• peanut butter m&ms are so good.
• i want every color of vans.
• why do people judge.
• i wanna be your friend, let me.
• you'll regret it if you dont do it.
• karma is real.
• its okay to fall in love.

adolescence.

so because my dad is a newlywed, he enjoys going on many vacations! resulting in me partying with no parents at home. not gonna lie, its the best feeling when they walk out the door and watching them back out of the driveway. i mean, no offense, but i am a teenager. and i like to have sleepoverss...is that okay? i will be having many late curfews, partying hard. maybe not even coming home. yes!! haha for my sisters that are readin this; i will remember who i am. thanks for being mom for a sec:) someones gotta be. yay no parents!